Tired of Me Today

Today I am a bit teary and weepy.  I am exhausted as well, but can't get my mind to turn off when I lay down for a nap. Yesterday my sister posted my situation on facebook.  And since then I have been overwhelmed by people.  Fortunately mostly via email or text.  I still don't talk well on the phone and I get frustrated that I am so tired emotionally.

A friend took the boys to 7-Peaks with her kids today and even though I am very grateful, I miss my boys.  But all I would do is hug them and make them feel awkward and that probably wouldn't end well for any of us. I miss them already and I'm not even gone from them.  I don't want anyone else to have them or for them to not have me. This is probably the hardest thing for me.  I have worked so hard on my children's disabilities.  It has been my life work for the last 9 years.

Today I am mad.  I don't want to leave my family.  I don't want to suffer. I don't want to do even the very first blood draw.  I did brain surgery.  Isn't that enough?  But I'm also mad that today it feels real.  So far it hasn't seemed like I have to die or struggle.  I've been head achey and stomach achey.  But those don't feel like cancer.  For some reason today it is more real.  Maybe because I've had to tell so many people.  I want to go do something else.  But there really isn't much of a something else to go do.  I get to sit and rest and so I decided to put down my feelings here, hoping it would help.

Things I love the most:
 - my darling husband
 - my Timon boy
 - my sweet Duncan
 - my faith in eternal families
 - my dumb dog who stays by me all the time
 - living up on the 2nd floor so I am closer to the clouds
 - a calling that has hope
 - red mango ice cream
 - my dear friends and neighbors

Things I hate the most:
 - nausea and headaches
 - giving blood and ok really anything to do with a needle
 - the thought of not being able to hold my husband or children for many years to come
 - people who pat me or who try not to cry while really crying
 - people who share everyone else's miracle cancer cure story  - makes me feel like I'll be jipped
 - the word "uncurable"
 - times like this when I don't feel strong