Today I am a bit teary and weepy. I am exhausted as well, but can't get my mind to turn off when I lay down for a nap. Yesterday my sister posted my situation on facebook. And since then I have been overwhelmed by people. Fortunately mostly via email or text. I still don't talk well on the phone and I get frustrated that I am so tired emotionally.
A friend took the boys to 7-Peaks with her kids today and even though I am very grateful, I miss my boys. But all I would do is hug them and make them feel awkward and that probably wouldn't end well for any of us. I miss them already and I'm not even gone from them. I don't want anyone else to have them or for them to not have me. This is probably the hardest thing for me. I have worked so hard on my children's disabilities. It has been my life work for the last 9 years.
Today I am mad. I don't want to leave my family. I don't want to suffer. I don't want to do even the very first blood draw. I did brain surgery. Isn't that enough? But I'm also mad that today it feels real. So far it hasn't seemed like I have to die or struggle. I've been head achey and stomach achey. But those don't feel like cancer. For some reason today it is more real. Maybe because I've had to tell so many people. I want to go do something else. But there really isn't much of a something else to go do. I get to sit and rest and so I decided to put down my feelings here, hoping it would help.
Things I love the most:
- my darling husband
- my Timon boy
- my sweet Duncan
- my faith in eternal families
- my dumb dog who stays by me all the time
- living up on the 2nd floor so I am closer to the clouds
- a calling that has hope
- red mango ice cream
- my dear friends and neighbors
Things I hate the most:
- nausea and headaches
- giving blood and ok really anything to do with a needle
- the thought of not being able to hold my husband or children for many years to come
- people who pat me or who try not to cry while really crying
- people who share everyone else's miracle cancer cure story - makes me feel like I'll be jipped
- the word "uncurable"
- times like this when I don't feel strong
Friday, July 26, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Rockin' Awesome
So it seems like I only use this blog to journal in the summer. Well this summer we aren't going anywhere for the military. But I have my own journey to go on. This past week they found a large apple sized brain tumor behind my right eye. So since these things don't just get to hang out in your head, it looks like I will be having surgery to have it come out soon. That's a wee bit scary to say the least. But we've been trying to stay positive and work through finding the right doctors etc.
Today at church Timon (11 year old) bore his testimony about how he knows that God answers prayer. He also fasted for the first time. Such an amazing kid. How did I ever get this lucky? I need to remember that -- because there are times... I asked him how it felt to bear his testimony. He said that it felt "rockin' awesome" to bear it in front of everyone instead of just at home. I asked him about fasting, it said it was really hard, but worth it. It that doesn't get to you then you have no tear ducts.
Michael also bore his testimony about being grateful for a mother who got him to this place in life. She had her lung collapse last week (we're not doing so well in health department in the fam). And how he was grateful for the mother of his children. Love that man! How did I get so lucky!!!? Remind me of that the next time he's off militarying and I'm walking the dog in the wee hours of the morning.
Then my friend Shauna bore her testimony and bawled through the whole thing and told me how much she loves me. One of these times I will loose it and start crying - but I haven't yet. Don't get me wrong it pulls on my heart strings but you would think I'd start sobbing or something. There were probably a few confused people in the congregation as well. I didn't stick around to find out. I'm not really in a chat about it with people I don't know mood. I came home and the dog and I had a nap. Maybe that's why both the dog and I aren't sleeping at night - because we keep taking naps. Could be!
Today at church Timon (11 year old) bore his testimony about how he knows that God answers prayer. He also fasted for the first time. Such an amazing kid. How did I ever get this lucky? I need to remember that -- because there are times... I asked him how it felt to bear his testimony. He said that it felt "rockin' awesome" to bear it in front of everyone instead of just at home. I asked him about fasting, it said it was really hard, but worth it. It that doesn't get to you then you have no tear ducts.
Michael also bore his testimony about being grateful for a mother who got him to this place in life. She had her lung collapse last week (we're not doing so well in health department in the fam). And how he was grateful for the mother of his children. Love that man! How did I get so lucky!!!? Remind me of that the next time he's off militarying and I'm walking the dog in the wee hours of the morning.
Then my friend Shauna bore her testimony and bawled through the whole thing and told me how much she loves me. One of these times I will loose it and start crying - but I haven't yet. Don't get me wrong it pulls on my heart strings but you would think I'd start sobbing or something. There were probably a few confused people in the congregation as well. I didn't stick around to find out. I'm not really in a chat about it with people I don't know mood. I came home and the dog and I had a nap. Maybe that's why both the dog and I aren't sleeping at night - because we keep taking naps. Could be!
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