Woofers Taroo

Yesterday I remember staring at my almost 10 year old.  I was sitting on the couch and I remember thinking, "when did he get so tall and when did I get a 10 year old?"   Because of his autism and how much work we have done together, I haven't spent much of his life wishing it would slow down, or that we could linger a little longer.  Actually most of his life, I let out a long breath once melatonin kicks in and I know that he is sleeping until 5 am tomorrow morning.  But suddenly I looked at him and was amazed that we got to this point.

Tonight I can hear the dog upstairs that is not happy about being shut in the bathroom while his owners are out and about.  It reminded me of the stuffed dog I got for Michael before we had kids.  I used to have this thing for stuffed animals - not that I had lots, but a few sentimental ones.  I think it must have been after Sept. 11th in NY.  I can't really remember who would have "woofers taroo" - I'll have to ask Michael when he gets back.  I can't remember if it was the person who left or the person who stayed when traveling.  And who knows maybe it changed all the time.  Anywho, tonight I actually wanted to get up and go in Duncan's room and find Woofers.  I got lonely.

For the first two weeks of this active duty I was strong and focused, went to bed early, lost 6 lbs by eating perfectly and working out. The third week I got depressed thinking that this could really end up being my life for long periods of time, and this last fourth week when the car needed fixing, the tires needed purchasing, the storage stuff needed moving, the oldest needed more understanding, the house needed a locksmith scaling the balcony, and the house desperately needed cleaning - I kind of hunkered down and read books about people much more unfortunate than myself, but also much more good natured and humorous as well.

I've actually made some real efforts not to feel too much emotion this time around.  But tonight, I miss my dear sweet partner.  Not any one particular thing, but just miss him.  I miss sharing my life with him in a very real teary sort of way.  I miss being able to look at him and say, when did we and our kids get so old?  I miss sharing a spiritual lesson I've learned or just looking at him next to me or putting my head on his chest. I know I'm supposed to be stronger 10 years later, but if I weren't so tired, I'd go track down that stuffed dog, just to have something to hold on to - Woofers Taroo.